"I'm not done with you yet. Not by a long shot!"

"Tonight I'm gonna fuckin' suck ya."

"You're on my Not Allowed list!"

"I'll let a girl know before she's about to go down on me that way it's not a surprise."

"I don't care! You're not sucking me in!"

"Your marriage is based on a lie already."

"The teachers tell me to put the baby under my seat. That's ridiculous!"

"I can't even anymore."

100 for 30: Pat Dixon and Jesse Joyce

"I actually considered taking my own life."

"Don't cut yourself unless it's from a good place."

"Ovaries, much?"

"You know what? She should be fearful of her life."

"I bet you she has nothing nice to say about you, and you fucked her ten times."

"You guys jerk off on webcams and stuff now?"

"Don't even answer the door..."

"Pedro Martinez looks like a koala fucked a retard."

"I know you won't eat me."

"I will drink all the shit out of my butt."

"Are you a whore?"

"I like him a lot. This hurts me."

"This is very offensive to the room. I know you're just half-retarded. And so you're forgiven."

"Peace, love and Keith and The Girl."

"Whose penis is that?"

"I'm gonna be upset about this, and at the same time really happy."

100 for 30: Victor Varnado

"I'm very appalled. I didn't understand. I thought that you'd treat us with respect and dignity."

"He ain't wrong, but he ain't right."

"You're putting your penis in his daughter's vagina."

"I just got off the phone with your dad, Chemda, and he says you're lying."

"I tell you everything. Just some things you can't fuckin' handle."

"You were gonna watch us having sex. It was kinda kinky, kind of interesting."

"This is a girl laying on the floor, and you stomped on her."

"Nobody's leaving this alive."

"I'm gonna fight this guy!"

Keith, Myq Kaplan and Jeremy go for the gold

"Have a sense of humor, Shithead."

"Don't do acid or mushrooms in an artist's house."

"You're not the prick cocksucker that was on Keith's DVD after all."

"Act like a man! Cum like a man!"

"Why do you do drugs in front of your kids?"

"Be careful! Mom just discovered Google!"

100 for 30: Myq Kaplan

"I hate doing this talk show! I hate it!"

"Justice runs on Little Baby Faggot Time."

"Your lips are a hot dog bun. Want a picnic? I'll bring the meat. Also you're a whore I met on 18th street."

"I do have to say something though about the new intern. This is gonna hurt feelings."

100 for 30: Ray DeVito

"Which brings me to my next question: Will you get totally nude for $130? That would be pretty wild. Wild and affordable."

"You're a shit-box. How can I be clearer?"

"I was nuts, and I was an asshole."

"I do like to get hurt."

"Ever wake up with your foot in the toilet?"

"I'm gonna fuck way more cancer patients than you before the year is over."

"You both deserved each other! I'm glad you made each other's lives Hell!"

"Alright, I gotta go suck dick now. You behave."

"Only assholes get MS."

"I'm about to beep all over myself."

"It feels like they're stealing my farts."

"I really don't know if I have something in my ass or not."

Chemda laughs at an MS joke and joins the likes of Adolf Hitler and Jack the Ripper

"I'm not the same guy I was a year ago."

Intern Mike receives and pontificates on his Keith and The Girl cutting and branding.

Chemda, Matt, Lauren and Intern Mike compete in the 1st Annual Chili Competition

"Fuck you! I fuck your sons! I fuck your daughters!"

"Come on over, guys. I got a gun."

"It's Keith vs. Chemda now. You wanted it!"

"I really should just beat the fuck out of you."

Keith, Brother Love and the KATG audience put Myka FOX!!! on the spot

"Just a simple jerk-off. Who knew?"

"First time I've been offended by the show."

"I can, without slander, call him homosexual."

"I'm an advanced man, and I like to do it in the ass."

Keith, Pat, Jeremy, Cole and Intern Mike compete in the 1st Annual Burger Competition

"If I'm embarrassing me, I'm embarrassing you."

"Keith is belittling someone after he talked about tearing his dick with a Brillo Pad."

"Shit, I'm pretty fuckin' gay..."

"Jesus Christ, can't you lighten up for five fuckin' minutes?!"

"Your mommy sucked my dick for two dollars."

"Get the fuck out the way, Nana."

"There's no way to win is the answer."

"My fists are thirsty for Ray's balls."

"Tell me who your friends are, and I will tell you what you are like."

"Drama will be soon."

"You apparently have never been ninja-fucked."

"I will not let a shit-head offend me."

"This is a drunk sudden movement venue."

"I don't have a problem with sleeping with a lot of comedians."

"I'll be back later 'cause you like to beat people."

"They pay you for this crap. It's amazing. God bless 'em."

"I've had an olive in my ass."

"I'm very in touch with Me."

"I'm not alone. But you know that don't mean I'm not lonely."

"I lost my shit."

"Two days notice, and Keith will do whatever you want."

"I'm a fuckin' animal, and all I do is fight."

"You're gonna sue the child for blowing your husband..."

"Now I'm about to violate your trust."

"Don't Palin Me."

"It was the beginning of the end."

"Is this against the law if your baby like looks over here for a second?"

"Let's get a few things straight."

"If you want to know who your real enablers are: It's your listeners."

"One boring fucking day at a time..."

"He brought like Hot Pockets to The Greatest Chefs in the World Competition."

"All my friends are lying to me!"

"It was too soon when you touched my children!"

"Somebody kill me today. It's not gonna get better."

"I'm the fuckin' meltin' pot, A-fuck!"

"If you are going to pay for sex it better be dirty because at home: the laundry is folded."

"For those of you who no longer wish to honor who I am and what I do, I truly wish you death."

"Your backyard is where I vacation! How ya like that?!"

"She vaginad her way into the position."

"I wanna fuck a girl who I put it in her ass and she doesn't even turn around to see who it is."

"I think we might owe you an apology, actually."

"Let's get back to the story: He tells me to cum on his face..."

"Time to go out raping, I guess."

"I'm the kid you jerked off, you fuckin' son of a bitch."

"This isn't a town that says, 'Keep the change.'"

"Kiss my dick, Spooky!"

"Everything looks sexy. She has no control."

"It's not a very nice show."

"It ain't no note-takin' faggot baa! It's a drinkin' baa!"

"We are a team! You hate who I hate!"

"Sometimes you gotta put your penis places."

"It's like I'm fuckin' me!"

"Don't go to the dildo store when you're horny."

"Don't pull me into this."

"My life would be over if I was allowed to say whatever I could say."

"It's never good to throw things at gang members."

"Two thumbs down, and two middle fingers up."

"Do you understand how sad this is, ladies?"

"Go home, and quit touching each other."

"I partied even crazier the next night to the point where like my knees are like bloody-colored and bruises and..."

"That is when your and F-MOS' advice came to mind. She was suddenly feeling doubts, so I just whipped my dick out."

"I'm the undisputed all-time champion comedy king comedy!"

"I happen to be the crossover nigger of America."

"Tell me what level of a scumbag I am."

"I can't explain my disease."

"I think you were high on whiskey."

"When you're aware of the world, it makes your heart cry."

"Are you gonna swear again, you stupid bitch?"

"What the fuck are y'all laughin' at, man?"

"You think you can just not answer the phone call? You have to answer the phone call now!"

"Keith, I'm gay, and that's my brother I'm trying to fuck."

"Shit talkers don't get to decide when the shit talking ends."

"You have no sense."

"Once in awhile you have to go out and fuck somebody else."

"Was she able to fuck the whole collection?"

"If you're not uncomfortable, you're not a comedy fan."

"If you can put up drywall you're in."

"Have I hit a woman before? Hell yeah."

"Stop spreading rumors about me!"

"I'm the only person with human decency!"

"I know you're fucking lying!"

Check out the full video at KATG.com/live

"If you could stop talking about me that'd be fuckin' FANTASTIC!"

"We have some more vomiting tonight. What's going on?"

"My logic can break you down."

"Keep eating your shit!"

"I got shot in the face."

"I maybe not say this but if the Keith is not good to you and go to away from him. I would love the you."

"I shit me drawers."

"If Intern punches me in the face: so be it."

"Maybe you're scared of what you don't understand, because I understand everything."

"I love Lying Day."

"You must have the rustiest asshole this side of the Mississippi."

"I'm a Butt Sex Pioneer. I'll take it for $5.95."

"Why do you cut yourself?"

"Keith is a bigger pussy than I thought."

"This heart didn't come with instructions."

"'Fuck' is okay. 'Cunt' is okay. I think we're ready."

"Show that you're a little dirty bitch."

"You told me to be more assertive, so I beat the shit out of kids."

"You're an idiot mom. That's why you have an idiot kid."

"I'm writing to tell you that I've been teetering this way and that over whether or not to continue listening."

"Oh, let's get it on!"

"This is like, literally, it has to be one of the dumbest - if not the dumbest - thing I've ever done."

"I'm nicer than all you fake fucks. Fuck you."

"What's your job besides not having babies?"

"Why couldn't you leave well enough alone?"

"It was nice talking to you. Now let's never talk again."

"If we have cloning, I would clone you and then murder both of you."

Revelers enjoy the Party! Super Party!

"How much money do you have in your bank right now?"

"He listened to the show, and now does not speak to me."

"You've been shaming the family since you were nine?"

"I don't believe in baking. I never did."

"I will not be a victim!"

"He looks at me and goes - and I quote: 'What have you done lately?'"

"Who's to say we don't want to just show our tits and need a good excuse?"

"Nothing's ever sick enough for the Asians."

"He's not gonna try something. I'll punch him in the mouth."

"Let's just say I've been kind of a mess lately."

"You've made a very big mistake."

"Pen in your eye!"

"You know you're gonna get a lot of shit for this, right?"

"I get it; you got AIDS. Let's play some music."

"It's not like I never had ass sex before. Let's be clear and honest."

"I've got twenty dollars if you're bored and wanna kill anyone."

"You go to KeithandTheGirl.com right now: there is video where something shitty is going on. And maybe literally."

"That is gonna be just a horrible day when you figure shit out."

"Every time I act, this guy's pointing a fucking camera at me!"

"Let's see if Patrice is an idiot."

"I'm gonna kick your ass!"

"You got something to say to this prick?!"

"Now you can check asshole without you turning into an animal yourself!"

"I knew I was onto something. Who do I sue?"

"What are you most disappointed in her about?"

"I truly apologize for anything and everything. I am the only one at fault here."

"I think you're a dildo, and not the kind I want in my vagina. I wasn't staring at you, you self-conscious douche."

"I really want you to just bang a chair over her face."

"If you're lookin' for asshole, you're gonna find asshole."

"You can't Jew me down when I'm talkin' about suckin' bear dick."

"Thank you for helping me be a better person."

"The challenge is basically to prove Keith wrong."

"You're being a little bitch 'cause you're not looking at me."

"I like women the same way I like my coffee. I don't like coffee."

"Someone starts blowing me, and I don't know who it is."

"Oh my God! You too, Adam?!"

"I got your medicine..."

"Good morning, mother fucker."

"Their own god can't even milk itself."

"Are you friends with Bill?"

"Don't masturbate hard; masturbate smart."

"I'm gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job."

Keith and Chemda in the classic Mexican Food Standoff

"Was that the first time Chemda realized that she was dating a drunk?"

"You can have some of my butt."

"I only became a drunk when you started drinking less."

Keith and The Girl teach you about caring for a newborn

"Quit rippin' off the fuckin' workin' man!"

"I just finished. Gotcha!"

"You are so fuckin' jealous..."

"It will be on my tombstone."

"We had to have hung out at least three times before threatening to kill me."

"When they're dead I can't make them cry."

"Never been more offended..."

"If you ever just feel like yelling at me: Don't."

"I don't want my dick back in a knot. Just suck it."

"You're better than me. The End."

"Where are the coloreds getting their water?"

Our very Sexy PotatoE stunts her maturity

"Sometimes we have really creepy moments."