"I will destroy your life. I'm not kidding."

"Sounds a little Hate Crime to me..."

"Get ready to punch your friend in the face."

"They have to admit that Keith Malley is nicer than Adam Curry."

"I demand that everyone act appropriately."

"Here's a picture of my dick. That should tide you over."

"If someone hands you The Meaning of Life, how do you go on living?"

"Yes, you were a jerk. Everyone hates you for what you did."

"All your compliments offend me."

"Can I get a party size glass of that?"

"You're not gonna pervert our relationship."

"You know what's in my brain right now? Fucking you, 9-year-old."

"You get nothing until you apologize to me!"

"You have the disease that I don't like to hang out with."

"This is going to end badly."

"The problem is your penis wasn't out."

"If he's wet, he's a pedophile!"

"The phone number's open for your apology, you fuckin' bitch."

"Good comedy is based on research."

"Do we need to stop this?"

"You have the right to remain silent."

"I bet I could beat the ever-livin' shit out of you."

"I cannot guarantee reliability, sobriety or even coherentness."

Our heroes trip balls - Mike the Intern, McNally and Keith

"Your vagina's eatin' my dick."

"Oh my God, do you want babies?"

"I was in my own glass thing. So I couldn't get out of the box. And the box kept pushin' me - maybe 'cause I'm flyin' through space like that..."

"If we fought, I would not be surprised."

Check out the full video at KATG.com/live

"You'll say it like it is. What do you think of Israel?"

"Name one good day as a couple that we've had together."

"Raise your pizzas."

"He's come a long way from when he was eating shit in the bathroom."

"Send out your signals: Don't fuck around the Malleys' house."

"If you don't leave now, I will shoot you."

"Nice try, bitch! I know about podcasting."

"I'll get that baby out today."

"They're just hoping we don't shoot up the place."

"What are the chances of my parole officer being here?"

"The irony is you don't like you."

"This is Knock Shit Outta People's Hands Area, and you're in it."

"If it looks weird and smells weird, don't do it."

"Chemda said I'm allowed to punch him right in the face."

"Every deal that we've gotten is because we have potty mouths."

"I'll burn that bridge when I come to it."

"Do I look like an asshole if I sit you down and explain to you how to curse? Cause holy cunt-balls..."

"He wouldn't shake my hand in person, but now I'm gonna check his asshole cancer."

"Maybe you should have thought about that when you got knocked up near power lines."

"This dog just fucked me!"

"You're drunk! Shut your mouth!"

"I ain't talkin' about the vagina, honey."

"Too approachable! I'm too good!"

"I need faces! I need faces!"

"Don't let our amusement throw you."

Keith and The Girl try to get married

"More people need to be quiet and start diaries."

"Get up. You're not having a panic attack."

"It's time for me to stop being scared, and time to make others start."

"Why am I the representative of all things you hate today?"

"Never would I ever come across as a whore. And for you to suggest that is just disgusting."

"And to think I should be dead."

"Call ahead."

"Hey, sorry. My bad. I'm out. We're done."

"Nobody thinks there's any consequences."

"Would this make you applaud?!"

"Adam just looks horrified right now."

"A whole bunch of sperm at once makes you tell bad puns all the time."

"You're not sending a signal that I should start fucking your face?"

"Let me tell you how I feel about THAT person..."

"Let's have a fuckin' baby! Let's end this shit!"

"I want to work with you. Please tell me the secret of The Ancients."

"I've decided that I just'm gonna play you what I recorded when it happened because it's honest, and... that's what I do."

"Fuck you, God. There, I said it."

"You're dead. I'm gonna kill you."

"I can't tell if this guy is boasting a little too much about it, or he's just amazed that he's even alive."

"Tell me the bad things about me."

"I'd eat a buddy of mine. Happily."

"We are so much more tolerant of you fuckers."

"Are you the retard where I need to acknowledge you or not acknowledge you?

"Welcome to the club. See you in Hell."

"How sad your life is, Keith... to not know love..."

"You think Mevio keeps their tents? I doubt it."

"This is a human being? Well I gotta look that word up. 'Cause I don't think it is."

"If you think you've heard Chemda on 11; no you haven't. You've heard her on 3. That's all you ever heard her on."

"Fuck you, England. I didn't forget."

"You don't even know where you are, Big Boy."

"You can't make somebody happy."

"Your kegerator is fuckin' up my tongue."

"Nobody's tricking me anymore."

"The Seven Year Itch is comin'..."

"Why do we need to give everybody a chance?"

"I'm not a thief, okay? I'm a very very upstanding citizen."

"You're my only fuckin' truly honest friend, and for that, sir, you're forever."

"This was a horrible thing I did."

"Dick... tasted like sprinkles."

"You shouldn't have a drink because you're gonna go to bed and pee yourself."

"We just want to be in Guinness."

"I'll tell you this, all you genius parents with your point of view..."

"If you can do me a favor and not sniff your own pussy too much in my bathroom, I'd appreciate it."

"I want a baby."

"Well, I mean, six years later I find out it wasn't the real thing..."

"I've always been a fat person. My whole family are fat people."

"Keith and The Girl will fail as a show because I will shoot my listeners in the face."

A highlight reel of 14-year-old KATG Internet Sensation Bruno G

"I know I fucked him somehow. I just couldn't remember."

"Do we want to place a bet?"

"If anyone out there who's listening to this listens to that hateful piece of trash called Keith and The Girl..."

"You owe me $5. You played The Motherfucker."

"If we were in jail, your mouth would be first."

"I haven't actually told this to anybody. Ever."

"You're not dragging me into your Above and Beyond."

"Then how did I get scalping tickets to your Bat Mitzvah, cunt?"

"You know what tastes the best? Satisfaction."

"Would it be easier to sleep with her if you quit imagining that she's your sister?"

"You smell like rent."

"What the fuck is your problem, man?!"

"I don't use foul language, and I don't like to hear anyone else use it either."

"I don't mean to sound like some kind of ninja, but I controlled it."

"To hear you say that, honestly, is a slap in the face."

"He smirked at you, then came on your wife."

"I bet there's a lot of skin under her nails."

"But nobody was watching the body, so I got busy."

"I smelled my ass-pants after just to see."

KATG spends time in the Small Country

"I'll pay thirty-five bucks to fuck you."

"It was so ridiculous that we were sitting there eating together."

"Put your hand in my wound thing!"

"You guys are not the easiest people to bring a fuckin' girlfriend around - right? - at all."

"Look at you: Full-On Country!"

The Spooky and Deuce armwrestling rematch

"If I know I'm right, you're so fuckin' wrong."

"You're not gonna ruin my new mom for me, ladies."

"I'm just addicted to broken people."

"This is on the air? We got this?"

"I made myself seem approachable, and I think that's where I went wrong."

"I can't explain to you, your honor, stand-up comedy."

"I did several jabs to the face and an uppercut to the face."

"Let me tell you all the secrets I know!"

"I like it when I win rape scenarios."

"You're gonna get a shitload of prayers comin' your way, buddy."

"People. Aren't. Nice."

"You're a fuckin' idiot, and try to talk less at parties."

"Don't be a bitch! I'm sensitive!"

"When I need to bust a nut, I gotta get into the city toot sweet."

"The advice you've given me has led to a bigger problem."

"We are now gonna see if I am an Asperger."

"Picture the power of this midget, but with brass knuckles!"

"Seriously, why do you hate me so much?!"

"Keep doing your show, assholes. Your life is getting ruined."

"I hate my dad, and I couldn't take it anymore."

"I'm a street nigga. You'll see me."

"The cake is not a lie."

"I have heart. I got the broomstick now."

"Laugh. It only helps me."

"I'm spending $300 tonight, and I'm drunk, and my liver's done."

"Why's everybody coming to me for their enemas anyway?"

"Don't be offended if you're the one giving the speech and it's Hooker Time."

"It was also dark, and you got pushed down by a ho."

"Nothing you say will ever put my family back together."

"Did you just say my time's not fuckin' important with my fake job and fake kids?! Who the fuck are you?!"

"Some of these adults have mentioned things to me that I feel obligated to address, for if they are true as they were described to me, I have lost a son."

"I got a gun. Happy anniversary to me."

"He's definitely a little delusional."

"I might be kind of a nightmare to date."

"Are you keeping a secret that could break you two up?"

"It's incredibly hard to find a chick who isn't a just great big retarded whore."

Open Mic Night, Chemda: Fame Whore, White Boys and The Spooky Hot Shot.

"I'm the only person who likes you."

"The problem wasn't so much the raping..."

"And I don't know if I'm like impressed with his skills or saddened that it only took the girls two drinks."

"You know it's gonna get worse, right?"

"You're gonna make me cry! Take this!"

"Where the fuck is it a quarter a minute?"

"The $500,000 question: Have you killed somebody?"

"You think these people are actually thinking straight before they go on this show?"

"You have my phone number! You coulda called me!"

"I know you didn't want to get into this..."

"Now you're back to Square One. You gotta keep selling your vagina on the Internet."

"Well, I may not know much about God, but I have to say we built a pretty nice cage for him."

"I really think he meant I sell my daughter on the street."

"You're in the fuckin' hottest Fuck Room. This is the Keith and The Girl Fuck Room. You're blowin' it."

Crazy Mike, Jesse Joyce and a million Last Comic Standing hopefuls

"When does 'shy' mean you gotta go for my balls?"

"I would not come back for a second punch."

"And I do not want to be on this show, so I'm gonna hang up."

"Are you even listening to your inner monologue?"

"Why do you have a picture of my nuts on your phone?"

Heath Ledger talks from the grave

"If you're coming to my party, bring your purse. Or wallet. I don't sexually discriminate."

"This is an insult? That's so fuckin' cool!"

"Fuck you. You die."

"Have you ever tried or thought about killing somebody else?"

"I told her about the show and gave her a sticker, not ever thinking it would go this far."

"Do you think Keith is hiding pain?"

"Why don't you think about that for awhile?"

Pictionary, Rock 'Em Sock 'Em and vodka - Let's wake up the neighbors

"Shut the fuck up, and stop being a little bitch."

"Death or drugs? Just tell me that."

"The only diss I want to give her is disinfectant."

"I got the crap kicked out of me by one of the American Gladiators yesterday."

"I'm fine, and I don't mind him telling this story."

Personal time with Chemda and Keith

"Stop making me laugh about this! It's foul!"

"Is that going in the documentary? Put that in there. That's a good one."

"Stop. Sit down. Write your own joke."

"It's not okay until I see him cry!"

"I just did that in front of all them?"

"We felt so bad that we fucked up. Everybody wants to die."

"You can burn in Hell, bitch!"

"It's almost like being bisexual."

"You're an asshole, Keith. This is the most asshole move that you make. You're really an asshole."

"You learn to get aggressive really quickly in Europe or else you die."

Disproving the cinnamon challenge myth

"Did you just make cancer sexy?"

"You will not figure this man out until you drink with him at least ten times."

"Cause they were black. You can say they were black."

"You dumbed down my dick."

"You're too horny to google Keith and The Girl."

An inside look at KATG's studio

"Leeroy, why do you always gotta do that?"

"All the more reason to bring back corporal punishment."

"I have MS, and yes, I'm an asshole."

"They're all on my side, ya douche!"

"I'm trying not to be scared of you."

"I can't have kids because I have cysts on my ovaries."