"We don't start these! Ever!"

"Let me hold your wallet while I dance for you. It'll be nicer."

"You never wanted to just stomp a baby?"

"Remember the days they dropped babies off a cliff because it wasn't good enough?"

Keith performs his magics

"I will not be on the show, and I will not discuss any of that."

"All you're doing is sending her home to cry."

"Do you wanna talk about buttplay?"

Chemda's reaction to the world-renowned video 2 Girls 1 Cup

"Hello. You're dead."

"Hey, fuck you assholes, it's time for Armchair Kid Nation!"

"I'm sorry, it was balls. You're fired."

"It's go time, Lord."

Debut episode featuring celebrity guest Heather Mills

"Words hurt N-words."

"I let people call me Dog for my life. You think I'm swift, Larry?"

"We switched to gin, Dad and I."

"Don't call him a pussy. He came to shit, he shat, he's done."

"I bet if you were my boyfriend you'd help me all the time."

"I wish my audience was robots. That's the irony."

"We don't mean that shit. But America would think we mean that."

"'Oh no, people are wiping my ass. That's horrendous.' I think I've earned it! 'Start wipin'.'"

"Pick a fuckin' side, women!"

"Live Free or Die. And you guys chose die."

"Tell me what I'm supposed to feel, Keith."

"I did feel like when I ate it it was made with a hard-on."

"You said you weren't gonna go there, and you did."

"The sincerity of your shit is amazing."

"I was worried that I wouldn't get a boner, and then she would be insulted."

"'Member when crazy made sense?"

"I got ten days to give a fuck."

"So he's watching you jerk off."

"How do you get into someone's butthole like that?"

"You want to eat his asshole; now you're on the side of guns."

"I ride a long bus, and my shit stinks!"

"Finally a Canadian I hate."

"I shit my pants out of choice."

"We say that to our ladies and horses."

"There's too many cameras. You're fuckin' me. You're dead."

"You don't even have to kill people to make a difference."

"You beat your horse gay!"

"I learned it's fun to let other people learn."

"Tonight we settle all family fuckin' debts"

"They're gonna analyze the video and find out who farted and fire them."

"Your son has autism. And only your beautiful tits can save him."

"We are no longer friends."

"I'm very logical. I'm scientific. I will break you down. I'm mathematical."

"I messed up. I didn't slash the."

"I'd date the shit outta you, Patrice."

"Do you think after Chemda and I break up the show can still work?"

"Do we have to be naked?"

"I gotta say, between your mouth and your hairy bush..."

"A handicap ain't got nothin' on me."

"Who can think of 9/11 at a time like this?"

"Brother Love, why did you tell her? It was supposed to be a secret."

"There's no such thing as in a good way with a hippie."

"There's radio shows all over the fuckin' dial. Who gives a shit?"

"Is it a hard thing for you guys to bring your own chair? BYOC."

"He made me into his balls."

"Every time I said, 'show me titties,' I saw titties."

"What came first: the bully or the nerd?"

www.KATG.com/live

"Who says that? I think the Devil says that. I think that's the only person that says that."

"Well, personally, my friends and I, we know exactly where the United States is on our map."

"And I'll tell you this: It will not be podsafe."

"Are you a retard, or am I an asshole?"

"That's why this and my brother should both be in jail."

"She looks like sucky sucky dollar."

"Let me feel single in this porta potty."

"And then we got naked and put something in me."

"'I can't believe you shared this.' Well you shouldn't have done it!"

"On bringing uh... uh... liquid refreshment: no liquor, no wine, no beer in any form."

"I see what you're doing, Keith. Don't do it."

"Jail did not tame you, and I like to see that!"

"Why would I go into a situation where I'm kind of surprised I wasn't arrested?"

"And these people are watching you on your knees?"

"People don't understand my trials!"

"Your marshmallow fat fuck is getting too big! Calm down!"

"She's jerking you off with her shin?"

"The maggots eat away the diseases and your penis."

"It's like Keith and I went to like a marriage counseling weekend."

"I'm not a whore, you bastard!"

"Ain't nobody in this room Voldemort. Own it."

"Alright this is it. Parked my car. I wish everyone who ever was nice to me well. See you in the next life."

"Admit to yourself you're powerless."

"Doesn't everybody understand that Keith is sensitive?"

"You just picture 'em walkin' around that whole country like dummies."

"Tyrone pissed in the bed last night."

"Aughh, I don't want that bony hug."

"Great news for members of PodShow."

"I swear to God if I see you guys make out again..."

"Everybody caught a case of ninth grade."

"Rhian, did I kiss you?"

"Not a nicer fuckin' country."

KATG.com/live

"Nobody was thinking about you, Keith Malley."

"There's just nothing nice that come out of these fuckin' throats."

"I wasn't walking around like an ape throwing shit, was I?"

"Behave! Behave, Matthew!"

"If I'm the classiest bitch of upstate New York then that's fuckin' sad."

"Take out your dictionary, get your wine, and buttfuck each other."

"Pussy has an amazing way of changing your point of view."

"You were gonna kill yourself if I didn't take you back. What was going through your head?"

"You had me balls deep, but God forbid I touched your hair."

"Whatever she got is stronger than herpes."

"'Suck my dick' means you may suck my dick at best."

"I don't think anything is too far."

"This is a doublewide, baby."

"I'm having trouble hearing you ladies with all that bum dick in your mouth."

"I don't know if you know this, but some women are C U Next TuesdayS."

"All that needs edited out."

"I guess she can just hand us the money and then drop his pants."

"Can I call out the bitch who fuckin' turned me in?"

"You broke out the Keith Malley Asshole Tone."

"Dicks throw me. Constantly."

"Is this the guy's way of sizing us up?"

"I can't help you. You did the Chicken Dance."

"You lose if you're all Cranky Bitchy McBitch."

"Your ovaries will fall out your mouth."

"Well hurry up, I gotta rape you."

"You're goofy and stupid and you're not on my side ever because you're such a dummy dumb and you get high all the time."

"If you think it's cool to spread and encourage this wave of misogyny then best of luck to you."

"Please don't repeat this on the show."

"Don't escalate me. "

"That's what you do when a Dee is right there."

"Can't wait for your spin-off show, Dummy."

"When in doubt I reference my vagina."

"'Where you goin'?' 'To fuck your friend. Good times and bad times...'"

"Anyone who talks to me like that is getting talked to exactly the same way back. So prepare yourself if you want that to be our relationship."

"Sex after anything cures it. Come on."

"And if you don't like that, sir, you can eat out my inner asshole."

"I don't know these clowns."

"Lick my nuts; suck my deep fried balls."

"Another podcast first?"

"You're gonna be performing your face in a pillow."

"I'm supposed to be doing this stuff in private."

"I get upset sometimes. I get upset sometimes..."

"He screwed her up the stage; he screwed her down the stage."

"i was wondering if you would let me interview you two, its for a school project, it wont take long, ill just send you30-40 questions, and you'll send them back to me, with all the answers:D"

"You walk around acting like I can fuck you. That's all you do."

"You've been Phone Snapped!"

"Chemda has what they call emotions."

"We got a special guest: Dumby Dunce that'll just sit here all day."

"Try to make money, and have a nice life. That's all I can tell you. We're all doomed."

"Don't give us shit. Make me earn shit."

69: The Girl On Vicodin (June 8 05) Keith creates a new robot-resistance movement. (7:30 to 9:00) 82: America We Stand As One (June 27 05) Interview with the great Dennis USA Madalone. (2:00 to 32:00) 83: USA All The Way (June 28 05) More HUAR news, including the MapQuest diversion theory. (15:15 to 17:45) Dennis Madalone redux and email responses. (2:00 to 8:45) 81: Earning Daddy's Approval (June 24 05) More robots in the news. Keep laughing, meat puppets. The Japanese and Hentai porn. (8:30 to 22:30) America We Stand As One by Dennis Madalone

81: Earning Daddy's Approval (June 24 05) Keith's dad and his many, oh, lets call them eccentricities. (22:30 to 45:00) 59: Fuck a Title Wednesday (May 25 05) International basketball, Ethiopian cuisine, and Keith helps an ex as she runs the marathon. (8:15 to 19:30) 67: Stupid Money (June 6 05) Keith works at an old age home. (35:00 to 50:00) Calling it In (June 1 05) Keith gets some underwear for Christmas (27:00 to 39:00, with edits) 48: Lying, Dying (May 10, 05) Parents and cussin'. (7:45 to 16:30) 80: Gaylordy Lordy (June 23 05) Chemda and Patrice share stories of past loves and/or abusers. Keith reminisces about his school days and his insult book. (BEGIN to 12:00)

74: The Greatest Generation (June 15 '05) Chemda does a clown job at a VA hospital barbecue. (BEGIN to 8:30) 52: Working From Home (May 16 '05) Keith witnesses a major confrontation at a kid's party and almost creams himself. (58:00 to 1:09:00) 66: Pain Is Good (June 3 '05) Chemda has to answer to a 10 year-old at her party. These little fuckin' bitches. (20:00 to 23:30) 54: Free Porn (May 18 '05) Chemda gets a post-party complaint, and the genesis of A-B porn is documented. (26:00 to 43:00) 57: Mommy & Me, DAMMIT! (May 23 '05) Keith, Curious George, a psychotic mom, and an assload of half-dead butterflies. (29:30 to 52:00)

76: How To F*** (June 17 '05) Chemda and her brother, Michael, regale each other with stories of innocence and beauty. Count the number of times Michael says “twat." (4:45 to 56:30)

56: voodoolulu (May 20 '05) Lulu's "masturbation odyssey." Frankly, she's way more talented than this. (12:30 to 28:45, 40:00 to 58:45)

71: Danny Yale's Mom is a Bad Parent (June 10 '05) - Chemda goes coo-coos McGoos over her food-packed gum-holes. (15:30 to 23:30) 72: Jackson Free, Ricans Jailed (June 13 '05) - Puerto Rican Day Parade blotter, more dental mirth, and mental dearth. (12:15 to 24:50) 78: Grooming: Not Just For Queers (June 21 '05) - A news story about a stabbing at Chuck E.'s leads into a discussion about man-grooming. Chemda recounts her recent root canal. (9:10 to 42:20) 79: When News Hits Home (June 22 '05) - Keith admits defeat at the hands of email, crime in the city, and the family dynamic in times of crisis. (34:15 to 56:00)

49: DJ Quad (May 11 '05) - Prophetically, Keith injures his finger and learns what disability feels like. Then they talk to a real cripple. (BEGIN to 26:00) 58: Faking the Funk (May 24 '05) - Chemda and Keith lay into a podcast called "Israelisms" (surprisingly enough, still around) that think they, like others, can talk shit and still remain friendly. (15:00 to 28:00) 47: Fuck Paris Hilton (May 9 '05) - A brutal critique of the short-lived (thank Christ) Paris Podcast and, by association, the PodShow creeps who ate it up with painted-on grins. (BEGIN to 23:00) 65: What's in a Name (June 2 '05) - The seriosos dine with a pseudo-designer anger-fuck ex of Keith's, and the claws of Chemda are bared. Patrice details the delicacies of hooker-bookin'. (BEGIN to 16:00)

"This is from the New York City Police Department. And how do you know Keith?"

"Eat this you giant tree trunk piece of ass!"

"We would rather be addicted to the most powerful heroin than be fucked by this old motherfucker."

"I think Keith's first DVD broke up my relationship."

"I've got a weapon in Central Park I gotta go pick up."

"Lick balls. Hope for the best."

"I'm not racist. Look how dark my girlfriend's skin is."

"There is a divine blessing for brumski."

"A-no-no-no! A-no-no-no! Welcome to New York City, Keith!"

"Actually your boobies are some of the nicest boobies I've ever seen."

"Brumski's the new way we do business."

"That's what I did. That's what I did. I can live with that."

"Do you do that with people you fake don't like? We had something, you fake fuck!"

"Deuce wants to have an old Israeli sit-down with me, and that concerns me."

"You don't call a girl a faggot, Homo."

"Keith and The Girl will get his penis. I guarantee it. I promise you."

"Now are you on Keith and The Girl's side? Now are you? Ridiculous."

"Pod-people don't play nice with each other."

"I get to see the Keith and Chemda that a lot of people don't get to see. And it's lovely, don't get me wrong. But..."

"War is delightful. Yeah, to those that haven't yet experienced it."

"I'm not startin' a fight..."

"What a table of not nice people, including your wife, dude."

"There's your fuckin' freedom of speech!"

"Whoa whoa whoa. Now say that again in slower."

"Can you understand why people would be homophobic?

"If you dare call my shit a monkeybox..."

"I'll tell you what: I beat you, and I would like you to call in the show and just admit that I am very very smart."

"My penis is digital."

"I'd like to kill myself and then get it back."

"If you won the bajillion dollar lottery, would you still do the show?"

"I can't love you this much and you not give a fuck."

"And don't you dare go, 'What's the big deal?' If you don't know, then you're a fuckin' idiot!"

"Liar, liar, liar with your pants on fire - always goin' back on your word."

"There are no secrets. Only information you don't yet have."

"Daily downloads of all their shows combined - all their shows combined at PodShow.com..."

www.KATG.com/live

"Secret notebooks and lies. Y'all got a good thing goin' here."

"You have Brumski; I have Chamsa."

"You're not that important. You're gonna be alive again tomorrow."

"Now go get your cane, Little Baby Faggot."

"I need Jesus to help me deal with you."

"I'm not underage, but I'm a whore."

"I swoop on suckers like an eagle not a sparrow."

"No, balls smell good sometimes."

"That's really gross. That's really the end of time."

"I woulda really had the dick in the box. Who's gonna know?"

"Why can't I think of anything but eat shit?"

"Is any of this your problem? I'm just curious if that's your problem."

"I don't wanna be in a foxhole with some bullshit knight."

"Keith, just tell me what to do. I can't function."

"You come from a long line of fucked up."

"They wake up and piss their bed in your house? No. Sideline ho."

"That's a stupid point though, and you know that."

"This is what ethnics are like. They're just like, 'WAAAH!'"

"We do Internet stuff now."

"I don't have fuckin' time to keep you down. Who the fuck has time to keep your stupid-ass down?"

"It's all in your head. They take like a bucket of nothing and don't dump it on you."

"I'll drink his cat piss for a good pleasant conversation."

"I'll do anything now. I don't give a fuck if I get fired."

"And by the way nothin's real. I made all that up."

"I eat your hate like love grenades."

"It doesn't matter how cool of a chick you are; you don't need a show about your not boyfriend."

"If you were my wife I'd divorce you for sayin' that!"

"Patrice, have you had intercourse?"

"I can't believe I'm here on such an important day."

"KeithandTheGirl.com/donate. We know what all of you did."

"No family supports any of that bullshit."

"...and my grandmother walked in and took the doll away."

"Keith wants to feel normal again. Quick, somebody admit it."

"Life's a big lollipop to mechanics."

"Happy New Year, _______!"

- Segment #1 March 16, 2005 - Episode 8: "Clowning Around" (approx. 00:24 to 25:00) With Andrea: The three swap clowning stories and set the stage for all working malcontents everywhere. - Segment #2 March 21, 2005 - Episode 11: "A Bad Day At Work" (approx. 01:18 to 22:15) Chemda does a clown job in Hell's tenement. - Segment #3 March 27, 2005 - Episode 16: "Easter Spectacular - Easter Bunny and The Gay Cruise" (approx. 33:20 to 54:00) K & C go on a gay cruise. - Segment #4 April 11, 2005 - Episode 27: "Then Stop Acting Like Your Stereotype" (approx. 3:50 to 21:25) Keith does a clown job for an Indian family and learns an important lesson about world culture and diversity. No, he doesn't. I'm just fucking with you.

- Segment #1 May 6, 2005 - Episode 46: "Shit Doesn't Freeze" (approx. 3:50 to 15:45) With Patrice: Yep, THAT story. Plus, the first KATG discussion of the scourge that is glitter. - Segment #2 April 27, 2005 - Episode 38: "Click Here, Mom!" (approx. 25:40 to 52:20) Chemda sneaks the parents' car out, Keith shoplifts, crashes into a fence, and tries insurance fraud. Keith tries his hand at deejaying, Chemda laments growing up female in a Jewish household, and more tales of juvenile delinquency. -Segment #3 April 15, 2005 - Episode 31: "Jingles All The Way" (approx. 23:40 to 34:40) Patrice and Chemda get arrested. - Segment #4 May 6, 2005 - Episode 46: "Shit Doesn't Freeze" (approx. 31:30 to 47:25) With Patrice: Lesbian experimentation, bachelorette parties, strippers, fucked-up party pranks, fightin' and what to do when the police come knocking.

- Segment #1 April 6, 2005 - Episode 24: "I'll Find You, John Petrie" (approx. 23:00 to 54:00) K & C swap roommate horror stories, including the now infamous Messrs. John DeForest Petrie and One-Eyed Davis. Great drug stories, too. The good old-fashioned rock, indeed. - Segment #2 April 7, 2005 - Episode 25: "The Relationship Hour" (approx. 21:50 to 44:32) How Keith met Davis, the paradigm shift of ex-roommates and ex-seriosi to "just friends," and more on the origins of our favorite podcasting couple. - Segment #3 April 21, 2005 - Episode 35: "Retard Rundown" (approx. 9:30 to 25:20) With Patrice: a gossip item about Natasha Lyonne leads into more fun with Ol' One-Eye, state-of-the art apartment trashing and the resulting legal woes, and Chemda & Patrice swap stories on their experiments with artificial joy. - Segment #4 April 25, 2005 - Episode 37: "School Up In Ya" (approx. 18:40 to 23:05) More fucking with Obi-Wan-Eye Davis.

- Segment  #1  March 30, 2005 - Episode 19: "Baby's First Phone Call" (approx. 17:00 to 41:00)  More on stand-up comics, bringer shows, contest scams, and more leading up to the taping of Keith's second CD, "Children's Party Songs."

- Segment #2  April 4, 2005 - Episode 22: "Mitch Hedberg, Hippies and The Pope" (approx. 26:30 to 36:30)  A meeting with Sal.

- Segment #3  April 18, 2005 - Episode 32: "Ginny (Guinea?) My Clothes Already" (approx. 12:30 to 38:40)  Post-taping wrap-up.

- Segment #1  April 11,  2005 - Episode 27: "Then Stop Acting Like Your Stereotype"  (approx. 37:55 to 48:45)  Surf Reality stories, the nature of drug-inspired performance art, Feminism, the ex-roommates of Chemda, and the desperate measures a comic can take to win back a crowd.

- Segment #2  April 5, 2005 - Episode 23: "Pay Your Fuckin' Tab" (approx. begin to 19:45)  Movie and dinner with a cheap friend of a friend.  Dating tactics, group dining, and the awkward beginnings of K & C as a couple.

- Segment #3  March 23, 2005 - Episode 13: "The Pat O'Brien Phone Sex Tapes" (approx. 16:30 to 29:00)  Keith talks with Chemda about his approach to stand-up comedy, their disdain for "bringer" shows, and the drudgery that pursuing a successful career in comedy can lead to eventually.

- Segment #4  April 20, 2005 - Episode 34: "Singers Wanted" (approx. 33:00 to 38:10)  Trivia with Keet.

- Segment #5  May 3, 2005 - Episode 43: "Ghetto Clue" (approx. 42:50 to 51:20)  Keith on the state of comedy: D.L. Hughley, repeating jokes, going to comedy special tapings and warm-up comics.

- Segment #6  April 28, 2005 - Episode 40: "Threats And Blessings" (approx. 25:45 to 27:30)  Friend of a friend revisited with Patrice on back-up.

"Fuck you. And you know who you are."

"By the end it will just be Keith in a room. With a mic and a palm pilot."

"In 2007: Fuck everybody."

"This missile brought to you by KATG.com and USAF AMMO."

"You don't get to be the asshole 'cause you were born that way. We all get to be the asshole."

"How's that for a break?"

"'Cause they seem like a couple right now! Girls, are you with me?"

"God deliberately made us so that when sick shit happens to us when we're young we don't remember."

"Hate 'em for being the equivalent of me breaking into your house and wiping a strange 12-foot dick across your neck."

"This is like Keepin' It Real Take 2."

"Whoa. A lot a fuckin' demands for bein' a heifer, honey."

"She perks up when she hears the phrase 'tits were workin''."

"Then you can write it on your Taste Chart how that girl was."

"Me and every black rapper - are you kidding? You don't know us."

"Still, I want them to know, it only takes an apology."

"There's no way to fuckin' win, old man!"

"Happy birthday; let's break up as an experiment."

"Just keep readin' your newspaper headlines. It's doin' ya fuckin' wonders."