"Take the pie. All the pie you can get."

"Sorry, we smoked all $40."

"She didn't get fingered; she got eaten out. I remember Chemda said she came in like two minutes."

"It's a 30-minute drive to the airport, but at least we've got cum guzzling to talk about."

"If you believe in God, admit that He likes jokes."

"You guys play softball, don't you? You just come out and say what you feel. We call this show: I Hate This Guy."

"I can prove my record, Ricky Gervais!"

"No, I don't wanna be in your football thing! Now it's weird, isn't it? Now I'm the asshole!"

"I'm not the one handing out candy in a shit factory!"

"I bet you're not reading this."

"When you need to urinate, do it in this or you will die."

"But I haven't punched anybody in the face while they were sleeping, either. You've done a lot of things nobody else has done."

"Cadet, you got a lot of balls to say such filth to me. And yes I have my shirt."

"Look how he judges me so harsh."

"Stare at him. Stare at him. Don't help him. Why do you guys help these people out?"

"Each hour-long episode is podcast from New York and punctuated with several spit-semen-through-your-nose moments of hilarity."

"I'm aborting the baby."

"You're being used, and you know it. That's the saddest thing. You know it."

"What's a gayfer?"

"You're a goddamn podcast for 15 fuckin' minutes and you come on tellin' me what to do after 30 years of nonstop fuckin' whatever nonstop I been doin'!"

"Effing Jews."

"Today Bush addressed the NAACP and gave a speech to an entire audience of black people. At least that's what I'm told. I don't see color."