"It reminded me of the kind of stuff that 6 and 7-year-old boys tell each other in the bathroom."

"You're weird. That is stupi-creepy."

"We all have to behave in a way that's better than what comes naturally to us."

"Maybe you sign a waiver in case you hit somebody in the face."

"Disney isn't liquoring me up to get through this bullshit another day."

"You're the one who asked, asshole!"

"Who's not a priest now? You're welcome!"

"Spooky Manifesto: he's lookin' for ladies."

"Anyway, thanks for your poo story."

"Everybody knows at this point I get killed."

"Let's open up the air mattress and sleep under the kitchen table like the celebrities we are."

www.KATG.com/live

"Now it's premeditated. You will go to jail."

"They fuckin' ride horses and hit a dead goat's head around!"

"Oh you're one of them? Go fuck yourself!"

"That is sexy, when you were talkin' about in the car. I was just overwhelmed 'cause it was so hot."

"Make fun! I'm the only one trying to make a difference!"

"I was lookin' for a Teenage Girls Makin' Out, but wait a minute; I can use some tubing."

"A good wife always knows her place."

"Whatever damage BET didn't get done..."

"This is the soundtrack to the inside of a stroke or a coma. This is what goes on in your head."

"I decided to take my life a different route."

"Sounds like somebody slept with the wrong person."

"Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to this."

"Good morning. You're dumb!"

"Do you think I'm not gonna mind prison? I fuck dogs!"

"We'd appreciate it, ladies, if you tickled these twos guys' balls as you were doin' it."

"That's how Keith has sex. See that, kids?"

"We shoulda kissed your ass a little more."

"You start at the face, and then you negotiate."

"...with a joker smile and hot smelly-ass balls slapping against my body repeatedly."

"Fuck you, I quit!"

"TheSimpsonsMovie.com"

"Now I want to freeze your finish to see what the fuck it tastes like."

"Did you invite me out to not have a good time?"

"What the fuck, dude? That is gay. Of course your wife left you. That is stupid."

"Patrice is crazy bad-ass tonight. I'm gonna have nightmares."

"It is fuckin' torture to have shit in my brain that I can't share. I gotta fuckin' spill out every mother-fuckin' thing."

"You were so fat! What happened? You were so fat!"

"He's gonna do whatever I say."

"Why are you such a dick?"

"He knows he's the coolest, rockinest dude in town!"

www.KATG.com/live

"Oh my God. What the fuck? Your face changed!"

"AKA I loved it, and I busted three nuts."

"Spooky, did you hear yesterday's show? You can do whatever you want, dammit. You're an adult."

"We better stick together 'cause we're both fuckin' nuts."

"Damn, Keith, I already stomped on mine!"

"Black People: Do you love Cheez-Itz?"

"Do you have life insurance on Keith? I think he's about to have an aneurysm."

"It's 50 First Dates of your boy dyin'."

"Why are you talking? What are you responding to? My question is not done yet!"

"Would you just end this relationship now? Are you kidding me?"

"I've made a few queers in my day."

"12-year-olds. That's where the money's at."

"Don't nobody know nothin'."

"Why you taking it so seriously?"

"I do The Triple Finger. I do three fingers."

"What's goin' on, Pubeless Cock n' ballz?"

"Live free or die."

"Take the pie. All the pie you can get."

"Sorry, we smoked all $40."

"She didn't get fingered; she got eaten out. I remember Chemda said she came in like two minutes."

"It's a 30-minute drive to the airport, but at least we've got cum guzzling to talk about."

"If you believe in God, admit that He likes jokes."

"You guys play softball, don't you? You just come out and say what you feel. We call this show: I Hate This Guy."

"I can prove my record, Ricky Gervais!"

"No, I don't wanna be in your football thing! Now it's weird, isn't it? Now I'm the asshole!"

"I'm not the one handing out candy in a shit factory!"

"I bet you're not reading this."

"When you need to urinate, do it in this or you will die."

"But I haven't punched anybody in the face while they were sleeping, either. You've done a lot of things nobody else has done."

"Cadet, you got a lot of balls to say such filth to me. And yes I have my shirt."

"Look how he judges me so harsh."

"Stare at him. Stare at him. Don't help him. Why do you guys help these people out?"

"Each hour-long episode is podcast from New York and punctuated with several spit-semen-through-your-nose moments of hilarity."

"I'm aborting the baby."

"You're being used, and you know it. That's the saddest thing. You know it."

"What's a gayfer?"

"You're a goddamn podcast for 15 fuckin' minutes and you come on tellin' me what to do after 30 years of nonstop fuckin' whatever nonstop I been doin'!"

"Effing Jews."

"Today Bush addressed the NAACP and gave a speech to an entire audience of black people. At least that's what I'm told. I don't see color."

"Lemme tell you something Adam Curry: You better tell your boy to shut the fuck up. 'Cause he's making you guys look ridiculous."

"Will you stop interrupting me? It drives me crazy when I listen to the show and I hear you interrupt me. Left and fucking right!"

"I have never been so utterly blown away by the sad state of affairs when it comes to podcasters' RSS feeds."

"I just do it on Suck a Dick Wednesday. Bye!"

"America loves shit."

"And I liked that. 'Cause you don't get that in Jersey."

"Can you get premature ejaculation insurance for an extra $50?"

"You said you don't care about my country... Now you're saying fuck my grandfather..."

"Are you having a Keith Klux Klan moment?"

"If someone was touching you like that you would never date them."

"I'm trying to find closure!"

"I sat in my own shit for 45 minutes. It's so good!"

"We don't need to tell them about the leprechauns. That can be our story."

"Somerset, Pennsylvania: You anger me!"

www.KATG.com/300

"Look at the anger in her face. Look at Keith like that."

"You're not ready for the advanced course, baby. That's all."

"We wanted to thank you for helping us find the solution to a particularly frustrating issue. Smiley face."

"Why in God's name wouldn't you respond to those e-mails?"

"Don't be sorry, baby, be you!"

"I have a nervous tick. I jerk off at kids' parties."

"What the fuck are you laughin' at? You do this! News flash: That's what you do."

"I am too small of a man to look into the great mind of Brother Love."

"I hate that women use that as a weapon."

"I've heard or seen you do some evil shit. I would never wanna be on your bad side."

"New York: Tag. You're it."

"Nobody's allowed to ding this 'cause Brad needs his fuckin' letter told."

"When that epiphany happens then uh... just give us a call back..."

"Everything, I think, is a test."

"The shock, awe and horror on the faces of the audience..."

"Seriously though, nobody tell Satan."

"You were probably drawing with your vagina blood."

"NOOO! NO, I'M NOT UNDER A LOT OF STRESS!"

"Everyone's starting to be a little weird."

"He's wasting 15-year-old piss in a jar?"

"Seriously though, fuckin' reading books... If I can edit my book without reading it somehow, I would do it."

"We see everything scumbags do!"

"It's a thing chicks do. They don't know where they're at."

"That's just for girls to go in there and jerk off to."

"We are, honestly, I believe, the only radio station that would entertain a conversation like that."

"The innocence of a child..."

"DO THAT! DO THAT! DO ME THE FAVOR AND SAY THAT AGAIN!"

"I understand what is appropriate and what isn't."

"When you pee, now of course it stings, it hurts a little bit, maybe it lasts five minutes."

"Why you quizzin' me? I don't know."

"If you have an Asian loved one; Chinese, Japanese, or those other ones..."

"You got good ears for hate."

"I guess you consider that comedy."

"As soon as you left, I was thinkin' of all the possibilities."

"How do we like France today?"

"I got out how to help child molesters. My work is done."

"Whoever is the best fucker gets to make the most money."

"I like any story that starts with 'ass' and ends with 'fists'."

"You just read that it said not to do that!"

"I think I've explored the limits of my sexuality."

"I'm gonna be in the movies."

"You're right, I'm sorry, and help me."

"'Why your hands orange?' ''Cause I'm happy.'"

"How do you sleep tonight, Ticket Giver? Huh? Is that what your family thought you'd be doing, Ticket Giver?"

"I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not good at juggling balls. Chainsaws? Very good."

"You know what bothers me about gays? They ruined the word 'faggot'."

"They're all gonna choke you when you get there."

"The only thing I like better than doin' a crossword is just stompin' on some faggot's balls."

"Call me a cunt. Put it in my ass. I'm a slut."

"Whether I misunderstood you or not, we're gonna send you a warning."

"I'm your guest! Treat me nice!"

"I was peeing blood. And not just reddish-color. I mean actual blood."

"I'm ready to close that right on your bug eyes."

"Give it over to the daddy. Daddy will know what to do better than you."

"Suck your own monster cock since it's so gigantic."

"So then you lied to us, didn't you, you little cunt bitch?"

"She has to remind me that I need clothes."

"And I'm totally opposed to this 'cause it's so wrong..."

"If his mother catches him, we're goin' to jail."

"I gave Balls a couple naked pictures of Hari."

"Keith, your cock was cheated."

"The day after that I bought a butt plug."

"Don't make me laugh at this."

"They're ruinin' my good name."

"Today is a very special night. It's a magical night."

"You shouldn't put that much technology in your vagina."

"You can open it up and you got a dick in your face, absolutely."

"I'm not Muslim, but I'm on their side."

"Big gay balls to you."

"This tastes like I got a cut on my knee."

"The ignorance astounds me."

"I'll make them be gay. I'm just tryin' to pee."

"If we can redo the laws: Kill him."

"They all know their place."

"I can't believe I get that look from you."

"Sandra, it is Suck a Dick Wednesday. I'ma see ya tonight. What are we gonna do?"

"Don't fuckin' embarrass me like that."

"You guys don't have viruses because nobody fuckin' cares about you."

"Jesus is my sober. Fuck you!"

"You know what I'm doing. Is this funny? This is - this is funny. You know what I'm doin'! You know I'm doin' everythin' right!"

"Get away from the door, niggaaa."

"I can't try harder 'cause there's something in my crotch."

"I was about to say, 'DEUCE DEUCE', but are we saying that anymore?"

"I'm fancy as fuck."

"The Fag Community got us again."

"Thank you for your quality letter, Sick Fuck."

"I'll tell you what: Somebody will owe somebody an apology tomorrow."

"Does your girlfriend ever do that, guys?"

"You know you're just my friend. Right?"

"This whole world doesn't make sense! I gave Keith beer!"

"I can calm down, and I can get my crazy in order."

"Save it for the show."

"Why am I even thinkin' about this? Fuck you!"

"And the dick looks surprisingly like your dick."

"The first killing is always awkward."

"I need the sick stuff."

"This is what your kids are watching, by the way."

"It's not my fault, but it definitely wasn't right."

"Fattest Nation in the World say, 'What?'"

"Who you callin' boyfriend? We're not fuckin'."

"Cock blood does taste the worst."

"Oh, we got another cripple! I'll take it..."

"I devote entire days to blowing you. Wednesday. Heard of it much?"

"Good mornin', everybody. We're drinkin' at Malley's Neighborhood Pub."

"Please stop saying stuff like this! Please! Do you see the record button is on?"

"I seriously think I might shit my pants this episode."

"Deuce is out; Spooky's in."

"All of a sudden the ATF makes sense."

"Do you know what dead mouse smells like?"

"You fuckin' bitch. Don't even mention that. Don't even say that."

"Stick somethin' in your asshole. Who's gonna know?"

"So, 1 to 10: How gay are you?"

"Oh my God. I didn't know you people really looked like that."

"We gave bandanas to all the Indians when we gave them AIDS."

"I'm Douchebag Wiggle."

"What the fuck show you listenin' to?"

"If somebody can do it, chances are I can do it."

"Nobody knows you better than you."

"When did we become homeless?"