"I don't understand why it doesn't smell like shit and piss. '311?'"

"If I were a doctor, I might go in and scalpel some bullshit."

"Why don't you just take out your balls? 'Where is Bally?' 'Here I am.'"

"I quickly get rid of it 'cause I feel like the government's on the other end."

"I couldn't think of a phrase or something that would be on Wheel of Fortune that doesn't have a curse word in it."

"Easy, Dane Cook. You're still pretty."

"Good for you you got fat."

"You're tryin' to say 'I love you' in a nice fuckin' way!"

"The human body will shake, so you're gonna need a tripod."

"How many times do I have to lie to you? Once!"

"If the husband doesn't get home in time, there's gonna be a quickie."

"I know those little sensitive kids can't kick my ass. That is the difference."

"My vagina hurts as you're saying this."

"And really, me saying nigger is wrong; 'cause when I think it, I mean it. I don't mean it with a 'a', I mean it with a 'e-r'."

"How'd ya know? I was on cocaine. I forgot to mention that."

"She loves to slice wrists. You would think she's perfect."

"Crawling under barbed wire through mud: Looks cool; not really fun."

"You are listening right now! You have herpes! I know it!"