"When you are at work drunk IMing your mom: 'I'm just jerkin' off. What are you doin'?'"

"I went to my wife's job... I cursed out all the managers..."

"Dennis wants to see no harm done to kids? It's Clown Monday."

"You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do."

"Well, we were talking about being humped as children..."

"Fuck you you fuckin' fuck."

"And I'm not some weirdo wiping my dickhead with my hand."

"I'm gonna put this Rest In Peace on blast, son."

"And granted I'm not a little boy, you know? 18. And some cultures consider that being a man."

"This guy just wouldn’t fuckin’ come! You know what? Shit like this makes me wanna go back to the dungeon!"

"At first, naturally, I just wanna look at her tits. But then, it's like, mmmmm, I'm allowed to read somethin'."

"Now say that I'm smart. I'll blow you; you say I'm smart."

"No big deal. No big whoop. I just made, a big 'ol poop."

"But if you're 10-years-old this is a way to get felt up by an adult."

"I can't keep it to myself: Jimmy Fallen sucks."

"I lost my train of thought. Who cares? Another Vicodin?"

"They had the American flag in their poster and everything, you assholes! The flying eagle... I trust that eagle, sir!"

"I should have washed her vag."

"Three ways to tell fatties they're grotesque without getting them upset."

"She fuckin' is a designer cause she graduated from NYU or whatever the hell... Please. Learn to suck a cock. Did you live in a dorm?"

"It must be awesome to be black in this country."