"The fat guy trips, and I'm like, 'I think he's dead. Dig in.'"

"Yeah, that's somethin' you should say. Or: jump out the fuckin' window. And I opted for the window. And: that was smarter; cause then I'm in the emergency room and I don't gotta deal with this."

"Shut the fuck up, and fuck a woman!"

"It's not like you finish and your nipples are bleeding; you're like that was some good sex. You ran for that!"

"Do you have the sex sheet? I can't find it. I would hate to ruin another good sheet."

"Did you put the chair down on her foot? Alright, quit ruinin' my story."

"That's not weird. Continue. Continue, please. She makes everything a big deal."

"Just shoot me in the face. What shoes does she wear? Ohhhh..."

"I turned him upside down, and Elmo stuffed him in a garbage."

"She's gonna root for the parapelegics of the world, and I'm goin' for the human beings."

"Black women are the worst. And I've had 'em all!"

"This is a momentum of why you hate your mom."

"Well quit lookin' in temples fuckin' Satan."

"When did you become retarded?"

"Stop yawning into the mike, please. Jesus Christ! A little subtlety, thank you."

"I'm just upset that I wasn't invited."

HAPPY MOTHERS' DAY!

"I think in eating out the stripper: you both lost."

"Girls don't know that. That happens sometimes."

NO QUOTE TODAY. WHO CARES?

"'Oh he thinks we're fuckin' playin'.' And they take the gun and they point it at my legs."

"I think this is a set-up and that's your wife and you're gonna punch me in the face."