"I like men now. I am gay."

"Look at Patrice's face. She can't take it."

"This Keith is a genius, and his speech impediment just emphasizes his wit and ageless wisdom!"

"Okay, now say something nice about my vagina."

"We were undercover cops like 21 Jump Street."

"You were just quiet cause you were so mad that all that alcohol was gone."

"Cheese is on twelve when you're high."

"Are you gonna sing Amazing Grace? You're on the air right now, and we're tryin' to find the next singer."

"Hey, who wants to blow my boyfriend? Wooo!"

"Make it stop. I'm gonna hit my head against the wall. Just punch me."

"I like it. No, it's awesome. It's like putting the Transformers Autobon face on your chest."

"Victor, you're a black albino. You're God's little special project. You're special."

"You were gone! You said you were gone!"

"I wanna get it in there before she changes her mind."

"You get arrested and you're on COPS, your first call should be to an agent."

"Thank you, Maria. And good luck to you. I know you believe in Hell."

"Computers are made out of ones and zeros. Throw a fuckin' two in there!"

"I had a roommate, One-Eyed Davis, that I caught stealin' money from me, and, so I pissed all over his - in all his drawers, and I poured bleach on all the clothes hangin' up. That was me, Davis! I did that!"

"Dick! I was watchin' that! Why don't you just go in my house and change the fuckin' channel?"

"So he was #1 and gets The Pope dying. I think that's fair, if I get this guy: One of the greatest comics, Mitch Hedberg, is dead."

"They don't even know why they're on! Well fuck you, you're getting off."

"CNN just reported Terri Shiavo, 41-years old, is dead. So uhh... sorry about all those jokes. Alright, lookin' at, uh, the Amityville murders..."