"He's the one that edited this and put it together. So when you're seeing this guy fuck dog-style and then he turns the phone to his fat head: He did that!"

"Granted I didn't read it, so that could be your argument to argue with me, but I know it fuckin' sucked."

"If Christ is real, in about a week to a week and a half, we will be in the Top 10."

"Some of these are just like joke commandments - just to make sure you're listening."

"Whitney Houston is in rehab. Just sliced a bitch. Yeah, in the throat. In the shower."

"Fuck it! Tonight: hookers, drugs, you, my girlfriend Betsy, eatin' pussy, suckin' dick, lickin' tits... Eatin' pussy..."

"I've decided to take action by checking myself into an intensive recovery program. Overcoming this problem is a top priority in my life now that my shit's all over the Internet."

"I hate that fuckin' bitch of a wife that I have, and I hope that she burns in Hell..."

"It's gonna take a hell of a work to get that shit outta your foot."

"I masturbated to all these people! Who's next?"

"And then suddenly I wake up, and I'm on a plane to the Dominican Republic."

"I believe assholes are born not raised."

"Everybody's gotta act like a fuckin' adult!"

"Hi. I'm Jeff. I'm a - I'm a jerkoff. It's pleased to meet you. Please don't call me Jeffrey. That's what my mom calls me when I'm trying to podcast in her basement."

"Their show has really just turned into a countdown of when he chokes her."

"We come here all the time. So eat it."

"I don't like any trauma, and chicks are crazy."

"I want to have sex, so I'm like, 'Can you finally pick at this? This's disgusting.'"

"Does that make you cranky, or it turns you into a man?"