"Why aren't you drinkin'?"

"We're broken up. Unless you guys write enough so that we should care."

"This is the biggest fuckin' thing, these iPods."

"Hunt 'em fast; kill 'em slow."

"Our fans may be good-looking; they're not the best storytellers."

"This Friday, for the poker game, we're letting in gay people."

"I'd like a fuckin' wraparound couch, dickhead."

"The big entertainment of the whole thing: Comedy Hypnosis Show."

"Hey you're on Keith and The Girl. How much do you weigh?"

"If you pay your taxes and be-the-fuck-have, you may stay."

"That's offensive to balls!"

"I always walk behind you and go, 'That was a joke. And he's just funny.'"

"Who gets up this early? Honestly."

"Dice is an Angel of God."

"Abracadabra; all that shit."

"That is not our policy to call you a bitch dog."

"If it's more than five dollars, it's pretentious."

"How do we get gotten on such a dumb fuckin' thing?"

"Go 'head, Keith. Get your balls back."

"Why would they want, Andrea? That is correct. Why would they want? How could that help us in any way? It can't! It can't help us in any way!"

"Remember when you snooped through their shit? Well, they're snoopin' through your shit! Hide the sex toys!"

"If you're gonna lose your house to some game: FullTiltPoker.com."

Shoulda been there.

"I have simulated herpes."

"Old enough that I should've said, 'Stop pulling my dick.'"

"I wish we could say more. I can't wait until the day when we go, 'You know what? We don't need friends.' That is gonna be a good show."

"Oh that's so funny that you mentioned it cause it's the first time that I brought beer and that's when we mentioned it."

"When I do post, I type it in Notepad first so I don't click 'send' by accident and get my ass handed to me."

"So what about me? Lick a Twat Tuesday."

"God sounds like Fat Jani Lane."

"Speaking of drugs, this is part of Clown Monday..."

"Mark, you have the biggest balls..."

"Can't one person shake me, the other person yell BOO!, and then take a hundred dollars? Then I have the rest of my day free."

"I will probably not listen to your show again - DAMMIT! - based on your ignorance and insensitivity regarding BLANK."

"I'm being sabotaged at home."

"Just real fast: cockandballs. It's fun."

"Every word you said in English was a polite word. It's like Hebrew didn't have nice words."

"And I'm just disappointed, like I didn't get to show my sister a freak, you know?"

"I'm no longer watching. You're gonna have to tell me what's happening."

"...and Ron Weasley fucks the chick in the ass."

"Way to take a stand on something, French."

"Was she like: 'Whoa, it just came to me. That's fuckin' gross. I will not do it again. I just realized what I was doing.'"

"I'm all for making people cry."

"Womenfolk are gone, bitches. 2. 3. 4."

"Congratulations to Amy Miller, you fuckin' hog."

"Yes, absolutely. I would punch a woman."

"If all I did was swim, and I didn't have to do anything else, I think I could win a gold."

"'Do you know how to make a flower?' They saw me making flowers all day. 'No.' 'Yes you do!' 'Then why are you asking?'"

"Sometimes I'll find something on the ground, and I'm not sure what it is, so I'll put it in my mouth to figure it out. Sometimes it's not food, but it usually is food."

"God bless white people!"

"When you are at work drunk IMing your mom: 'I'm just jerkin' off. What are you doin'?'"

"I went to my wife's job... I cursed out all the managers..."

"Dennis wants to see no harm done to kids? It's Clown Monday."

"You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do."

"Well, we were talking about being humped as children..."

"Fuck you you fuckin' fuck."

"And I'm not some weirdo wiping my dickhead with my hand."

"I'm gonna put this Rest In Peace on blast, son."

"And granted I'm not a little boy, you know? 18. And some cultures consider that being a man."

"This guy just wouldn’t fuckin’ come! You know what? Shit like this makes me wanna go back to the dungeon!"

"At first, naturally, I just wanna look at her tits. But then, it's like, mmmmm, I'm allowed to read somethin'."

"Now say that I'm smart. I'll blow you; you say I'm smart."

"No big deal. No big whoop. I just made, a big 'ol poop."

"But if you're 10-years-old this is a way to get felt up by an adult."

"I can't keep it to myself: Jimmy Fallen sucks."

"I lost my train of thought. Who cares? Another Vicodin?"

"They had the American flag in their poster and everything, you assholes! The flying eagle... I trust that eagle, sir!"

"I should have washed her vag."

"Three ways to tell fatties they're grotesque without getting them upset."

"She fuckin' is a designer cause she graduated from NYU or whatever the hell... Please. Learn to suck a cock. Did you live in a dorm?"

"It must be awesome to be black in this country."

"The fat guy trips, and I'm like, 'I think he's dead. Dig in.'"

"Yeah, that's somethin' you should say. Or: jump out the fuckin' window. And I opted for the window. And: that was smarter; cause then I'm in the emergency room and I don't gotta deal with this."

"Shut the fuck up, and fuck a woman!"

"It's not like you finish and your nipples are bleeding; you're like that was some good sex. You ran for that!"

"Do you have the sex sheet? I can't find it. I would hate to ruin another good sheet."

"Did you put the chair down on her foot? Alright, quit ruinin' my story."

"That's not weird. Continue. Continue, please. She makes everything a big deal."

"Just shoot me in the face. What shoes does she wear? Ohhhh..."

"I turned him upside down, and Elmo stuffed him in a garbage."

"She's gonna root for the parapelegics of the world, and I'm goin' for the human beings."

"Black women are the worst. And I've had 'em all!"

"This is a momentum of why you hate your mom."

"Well quit lookin' in temples fuckin' Satan."

"When did you become retarded?"

"Stop yawning into the mike, please. Jesus Christ! A little subtlety, thank you."

"I'm just upset that I wasn't invited."

HAPPY MOTHERS' DAY!

"I think in eating out the stripper: you both lost."

"Girls don't know that. That happens sometimes."

NO QUOTE TODAY. WHO CARES?

"'Oh he thinks we're fuckin' playin'.' And they take the gun and they point it at my legs."

"I think this is a set-up and that's your wife and you're gonna punch me in the face."

"I like men now. I am gay."

"Look at Patrice's face. She can't take it."

"This Keith is a genius, and his speech impediment just emphasizes his wit and ageless wisdom!"

"Okay, now say something nice about my vagina."

"We were undercover cops like 21 Jump Street."

"You were just quiet cause you were so mad that all that alcohol was gone."

"Cheese is on twelve when you're high."

"Are you gonna sing Amazing Grace? You're on the air right now, and we're tryin' to find the next singer."

"Hey, who wants to blow my boyfriend? Wooo!"

"Make it stop. I'm gonna hit my head against the wall. Just punch me."

"I like it. No, it's awesome. It's like putting the Transformers Autobon face on your chest."

"Victor, you're a black albino. You're God's little special project. You're special."

"You were gone! You said you were gone!"

"I wanna get it in there before she changes her mind."

"You get arrested and you're on COPS, your first call should be to an agent."

"Thank you, Maria. And good luck to you. I know you believe in Hell."

"Computers are made out of ones and zeros. Throw a fuckin' two in there!"

"I had a roommate, One-Eyed Davis, that I caught stealin' money from me, and, so I pissed all over his - in all his drawers, and I poured bleach on all the clothes hangin' up. That was me, Davis! I did that!"

"Dick! I was watchin' that! Why don't you just go in my house and change the fuckin' channel?"

"So he was #1 and gets The Pope dying. I think that's fair, if I get this guy: One of the greatest comics, Mitch Hedberg, is dead."

"They don't even know why they're on! Well fuck you, you're getting off."

"CNN just reported Terri Shiavo, 41-years old, is dead. So uhh... sorry about all those jokes. Alright, lookin' at, uh, the Amityville murders..."

"He's the one that edited this and put it together. So when you're seeing this guy fuck dog-style and then he turns the phone to his fat head: He did that!"

"Granted I didn't read it, so that could be your argument to argue with me, but I know it fuckin' sucked."

"If Christ is real, in about a week to a week and a half, we will be in the Top 10."

"Some of these are just like joke commandments - just to make sure you're listening."

"Whitney Houston is in rehab. Just sliced a bitch. Yeah, in the throat. In the shower."

"Fuck it! Tonight: hookers, drugs, you, my girlfriend Betsy, eatin' pussy, suckin' dick, lickin' tits... Eatin' pussy..."

"I've decided to take action by checking myself into an intensive recovery program. Overcoming this problem is a top priority in my life now that my shit's all over the Internet."

"I hate that fuckin' bitch of a wife that I have, and I hope that she burns in Hell..."

"It's gonna take a hell of a work to get that shit outta your foot."

"I masturbated to all these people! Who's next?"

"And then suddenly I wake up, and I'm on a plane to the Dominican Republic."

"I believe assholes are born not raised."

"Everybody's gotta act like a fuckin' adult!"

"Hi. I'm Jeff. I'm a - I'm a jerkoff. It's pleased to meet you. Please don't call me Jeffrey. That's what my mom calls me when I'm trying to podcast in her basement."

"Their show has really just turned into a countdown of when he chokes her."

"We come here all the time. So eat it."

"I don't like any trauma, and chicks are crazy."

"I want to have sex, so I'm like, 'Can you finally pick at this? This's disgusting.'"

"Does that make you cranky, or it turns you into a man?"